Before i start this post off, i want to say these are my thoughts, they do not directly reflect everything that is me, only my thoughts and rants, i am going through somewhat of a difficult time, the person i love i can’t see or talk to you and that leaves me feeling sad, insecure and lost, so at times i have to say these things to clear my mind to continue on to fight another day so i don;t slip into a depression stumbling me even further from my goal, with that being said, here is what i have to say, here it is….
I’ve been here before, I’ve had to live with the choices I’ve made in the past, only difference is this time it involves my heart and how i feel about someone.
I feel like I’m at a point now where i have to make a decision, one that’s better for me and my feelings and my overall health and everything surrounding me.
I just don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret later or will kick myself for at some point in the future, i feel like i should have more control over my thoughts but i don’t, i do this self sabotaging thing to myself and subsequently i make myself feel worse as time passes, i have these feelings that i love someone but i don’t think they love me the way i love them, i think to them this love they have for me is real on limited terms, where i feel the love i have for them is not the same, it’s bigger and more full, my love for them means that no matter what is going on in my life at any moment, they are the one thing i care about more than anything, they are my top concern, my top priority, my love knows no bounds, if i could only feel secure with myself and my thoughts enough to know the real answer to the question i keep asking myself, then, it would all become clear and within the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye i would forget i ever had any doubt.
If i could know sit down with her and talk to her, and find out what she thinks, how she feels, look at her smile, her lips, her eyes, hear her laugh – then, i would know if i am making the right choices right now or if i am being foolish, i am torn apart by the games my mind plays on me, making me feel comfortable and then insecure, having moments of clarity knowing what i have in store for me, yet, undeniably, i do not know how clear i really am, i don;t know how true my thought process is and if i am doing what i think i am doing which is destroying something i have that can be so good for me and can be a major improvement in my life.
The other topic that comes to mind is, is she ready ? well, is she, or does she joke about being ready for something that big, making a commitment at such an early age, i understand that back in the 50′s this was commonplace, and amazingly women at the age of 15 or 16 were being married and many of them remain married because the marriage success rate back then was so much higher than it is now, now it’s less then 49 percentile, which makes me wonder, i know my love and my commitment is strong enough to keep me close to her and i know i can live up to my word and my dedication to her, but can she ? is she ready for this ? this is real, it’s not a storybook, this is serious… to say your ready for this type of relationship or hint or joke about it passing on the wrong message is fraud, it’s not right – so i have to wonder, could this be what she really wants with me ? even if she admits it’s not time, could this be what she thinks about when she thinks of me ?
She doesn’t tell me these things, i try to be as clear as i can with her, displaying everything i am to her all the time, the good, the bad, the ugly even, so she can see me for who i am and love me for who i am or choose to not love me, i won’t sugarcoat my actions, i will be myself and i will remain that way constantly striving to right the wrongs and learn to have some kind of control over myself, even though i say this now, it doesn’t seem good enough because I’m still left with doubt.
You mean more to me than anything, i know that won’t change, you questioned my actions years ago with the words “i love you” yet, you have told me you loved me, we have yet to physically set our eyes upon each other, i have seen you, the true you, with all the imperfections you believe you have, but to me it’s perfection, not imperfection – your mind doesn’t just as it is programmed to and makes you believe you have these flaws and it becomes a life long struggle to deal with it or learn to accept it, but, to me, you are perfect, in my eyes i see the one thing i want more than anything – yet, i feel like i can’t have you – or worse yet – i feel like you don’t want me in the same regard as i want you, i do the same thing you do, we are alike, we feel the same things, we hurt the same way, we cloud our thinking the same way when we want to block something out, there are few things that make me sad enough in the world to cry – but as a grown man, with all the experiences and hardships I’ve endured this makes me cry, you have mentioned to me at times, that i may think your a stalker or weirdo because of certain small things you do, all the pictures you have of me or how your constantly looking at my pictures, yet, i’m the same way and i worry about the same thing, i feel like i take it too far all the time but i don;t know how to be any other way.
How do i change this ?
At what point am i wise enough or do i realize my full potential in my thinking that i can have full control over my thoughts and i learn to quiet my mind in the right aspect so that these things do not plague me, so that i do not suffer, so that i do not hurt, so that do not have pain in my heart because of all the hurtful things i think of, so that i do not pain at all because i know we are alike and we have the same love for each other like you said we do.
I feel like as i write this, I’ve scared you away, I’ve made you leave, i don’t want you to see this yet i feel that as i type this you already know and you know I’m crazy, I’m not crazy, I’m crazy for you, there’s a difference there – i want you to see that.
I need to change, i need to become stronger, i can’t be a hard ass about everything, I’ve come a long way, years ago i would have never been able to dive this deep into myself and come out and express myself in this manner, i could’ve never done this, this wasn’t who i was before, i am different now, i am better, i still have my imperfections but if you truly love me like you say you do, you will see me the way i see you, you will see me as perfection in your eyes, you will know i am the one, just like i feel like your the one, you’ll know this it , you have found your soul mate and you’ll know, i will do anything for this person and no matter what happens you will never give up on “us” just as i would never give up on you no matter.
I need to remember who I AM – i has the power and the strength to overcome this massive setback in the years before yet i don’t have the power to control the outcome and situation i am stuck with now ?
This makes no sense.
I can only wait and see where you stand with me, i know in my heart your the one, i see, yet, i have to wait and see, exactly how you feel about me, knowing that it could be the way i want it, or things can change and you could not want me, i have but only one choice and that’s to wait and see, i do not like the feelings i have, they hurt me down to my core, but, i feel as though i should try my hardest to wait, because not having the right amount of patience would be poor, the days drag on without you, you help me get through the day, that’s why since you been absent in my life it’s like I’m re-living groundhogs day,
I have sat with this weight in my heart, knowing that you could be the one, but i am nervous and scared too deep inside, i want to hide and keep myself from hurting again like before, i wasn’t ready and now i fear rejection, as if it were a murderous thing sitting beside me, i wish i had all the answers and i wish they’d all point me in the right direction, but trial and error has always been my method so i have no choice but to continue on the way i have been and leave you out teaching me one final lesson – about love and matters of the heart.
I feel better after getting this out, it’s like pouring my heart out makes me feel better, sometimes i go back days later and read what i wrote, realizing i was in a good place, a dark place or i was crazy that day, i vary from time to time, but it’s all for the greater good – i try to approach each day with a fresh attitude and a happy mental state knowing everything will work itself out the way it’s meant to be.
If your reading this, my love, i want you to know your on my mind and in my heart everyday, there’s no way for me to know that you feel the same way so all i can do is trust and believe in those 3 words you told me weeks ago. I love you.
tu sei il mio cuore e ti amo con tutto ciò che sono <3
Where do i start ?
it’s the 15th, half way through the month…
Today, i was busy, had a lot to do involving school today, i received a new laptop that was issued to me, i had to go pick it up then i had to go home and then hang around for awhile before going to school again this time for a class, it’s like it doesn’t matter whats happening around me I’m just in a bad mood i can’t seem to get out of it – i was trying today, trying to be positive and happy about whats going on in my life but it’s like I’m not happy because i want only one thing and i can’t have it.
I’m so sad, its at a point where i i don’t want to get up in the morning, don’t want to go to school, don’t want to go to the gym, don’t want to go do anything at all, i can’t believe i feel this way, it’s not right because it’s slowly destroying me inside and making me miserable, i know what i need to do to make myself better but i don’t want to do it because if i do this, i won’t be able to go back to the way i felt before – i did this once not so long ago and i don’t think i can do it again.
it hurts my heart and i don’t know what to do, I’ve been attached to you since we started writing each other, but now, it’s a waiting game and I’ve been waiting for years and i don’t think i can just wait and feel like i have no security with you – that’s how i feel, i feel like I’m older and your younger and you probably have all these other people after you, at least it seems that way – so what do i do ? accept that ? without having any answers ? i can’t live like that.
i can’t sit here and feel like you’ve told me you loved me, but, when something better comes up you forget I’m alive, i don’t know what it is, it could just be the complete opposite, it could be that I’m over analyzing this, doing these mental gymnastics everyday and i keep MAKING myself feel worse.
I have no control over this situation and it bothers me, i have to sit and wait, it could be months, how am i supposed to sit here for months with no communication, no security, no peace of mind ? i can’t do that. i need something, just a little to get me by to make me feel okay about there being a you and me.
you’ll probably never see this and it’s better that you don’t, but i have to type whats on my mind, i have to sit here and fight with myself wondering when i will be able to see you, talk to you, tell you i love you and i miss you, and whats even worse, is i have to sit here and wonder if you still want me …
</3 my heart hurts. i miss you and i love you, i think about you everyday, i wish i could be with you.
Have you ever buried your face in your hands
Cause no one around you understands
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be
Have you ever felt like there was more
Like someone else was keeping score
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach
Well I know………
Someday I’ll try again and not pretend
This time forever
Someday I’ll get it straight but not today
Have you ever…….
As always, as I’ve told so many people, the music i listen too during certain periods in my life are a direct reflection of the current I’m in, what I’m going through, i don’t think i could properly convey how or what I’m going through better than a song, in combination with lyrics, this is an interesting process for me, because some songs are great but the lyrics could not convey the feeling or emotion or phase your passing through, not always the case with me.
I’ve been so out of it, so low, so depressed these last few days, feeling like nothing is going right, or the way i want it too and it feels like no matter how hard i work towards what i want and what i want to achieve it feels like i won’t get there, like i have this permanent roadblock, i know this can’t be, if this was the case how i was i successful before ? why do i have so much support both seen and unseen ?
It seems as if i go through this regularly, as of lately, i stopped playing musical instruments, it seems like i can’t go for long with out playing anything, whether it be guitar because my feelings really go into my playing, sometimes it seems like i doesn’t even matter what song I’m playing on guitar or drums, i just feel better like i have released a ton of weight off of my chest.
Whatever it is that’s pulling all this energy from me, i need to figure it out and find a release, because i can’t keep going on feeling like this, it’ll kill me and completely destroy the good in me, make me more bitter, this is a negative especially when I’ve vowed to be a positive influence in peoples lives going forward and changing my life in ways i didn’t think i could.
I went to dinner with my parents and 2 old family friends tonight, i sat at the table feeling like total crap, until, these people asked about my entire 2 year stay in prison, now that an interest had been shown in what i had gone through i was more talkative, i don’t want this to be a subject that i talk about and my face lights up when it comes up in conversation, if anything i want to avoid it, my stay wasn’t a good one and i definitely wasn’t a good person in prison.
It started out with having to defend myself, then it became a thing of respect and getting respect from people who i felt owed it to me, then it became about defending those who couldn’t defend themselves for the guys who would pick on the weak and subsequently I’d go out of my way to defend these people because i thought i was doing a good deed but in hindsight i realize i was just behaving just like any other thug who was in prison.
I was not raised this way, i was raised with good values, good morals, morals that i stick by today, yeah, I’m not perfect but i try to be at times with certain things and where i fall short i constantly tell myself i will fix someday but i need to realize i make mistakes at times and these mistakes are okay because I’m not perfect and probably never will be, i need to learn to forgive myself for this things that have happened here, i can;t move forward with life until i do this because it affects every facet of my life, i feel as though i am unworthy of others and what they have to offer me.
It’s like i was told i did something so horrible , so heinous that i could never be forgiven and even though i was shown complete mercy and compassion from everyone, i feel as though i haven’t forgiven myself and cannot do it, i know this sis something i need to settle within myself and i don’t want this to be a lifelong process. i have a lot to offer someone, i know i can be this amazing person, someone that is loyal, faithful, truthful and loving/caring like no other person, that’s my heart from top to bottom and sometimes i have this hard exterior because i feel like others will see how much of loving person i can be and in this life people can see this in you and use you and spit you out and it doesn’t affect them at all.
it makes me feel as if i am scared to show someone how great i can be, i can talk about it all day but to actually show them this side of me, i need to feel that security too, i feel like i can’t put all my eggs in that one basket feeling like i may lose this person because they don’t truly mean everything they tell me or have told me, it bothers me, i want to feel that security, like nothing can break me apart from that person, i know i could never be unfaithful, i know my word means my word when i make a promise to someone, in this life all you have is your word, i could never go back on my word with someone, especially someone i love and care about so much.
This has turned into a rant more than anything, but i need to say all this to make myself feel better, i over analyze and over think things, many many times a day i think of you and i get butterflys in my stomach because i know your an amazing person and i can think of nothing i want in this world more than you.
I know if you were mine, our lives would be so amazing together, all these other people around me don’t matter, the only people that matter is family and the person i love more than anything.
no one else matters.
you are perfection in my eyes, i don’t care about money, i don’t care about material things of this world because i know your more valuable than all of it.
I don’t know what it is, these last 2 days I’ve felt pretty down, really low… today is probably the worst yet.
It’s a terrible feeling, it feels like i lack the energy to continue on with my day, like i just wish i could lay here all day, it might be because I’m sad – I’ve definitely been sad the last 2 days, problem is, i usually know what to do to to pick myself up and make myself feel better, but what i want right now, i can’t have and it makes me upset.
I didn’t even want to get up out of bed this morning, but my damn dog came in my room and wouldn’t stop bugging me, it was like she knew how i was feeling and was telling me to get my ass up and moving around the house, i need to workout, I’ve signed up for the 2012 concrete hero challenge, in order for me to run in the race, i need to raise 400 dollars to donate to HIV/Aids research – that’s what the entire race/benefit is about.
My past gets to me a lot, sometimes, i have questions, technically these questions conflict with my religious beliefs so then I’m wondering why do i have these questions or what is it that makes me feel this way right now, why do i feel so bad….
Of course, music tends to dictate or follow whatever mood I’m in or whatever phase I’m going through, right now I’m stuck on Elliott smith, sigur r’os, finch, it dies today, anything that conveys the emotion that I’m feeling and more or less validates it somewhat.
We have a soundtrack to our life, i feel like mine is always changing – up, down, up, down, mellow, up, up, down…..
I miss her, i miss talking to her, texting her, telling her how much i care about her, i guess i have a lot of love to give – it always feels like something has to take that away from me, like my opportunity to care about someone or love someone has to be stripped from me, i don’t understand it at all -
It bothers me so much, i go through these ridiculous depression phases that last a week or so before i feel better…
I’m hoping i can pull myself out of this one before the weekend starts, i don’t want to spend my weekend sad & upset over something i should be able to control.
- mike
Here’s a few recent videos from my youtube channel – most of them are retarded but then again that’s how i get through the day by being retarded.
Yes i am one of those guys that tapes crazy bums on the metro, it’s hilarious, this guy was throwing carrots all over the train.
Video from my first tattoo while i was on bail fighting my case… i decided to get a bunch of tattoos – this is the video from the first one.
I shot this video over six years ago, i edited it and uploaded it to youtube right when i signed up for youtube, i used a panasonic dvx100b with a varicam steadicam body brace, i cut the footage on final cut 3 i believe or maybe final cut 4 – shows my skills at editing early in the game when i was still learning.
The Rapid Growth of Dubstep Music
Article by Dubstep Source
2010 seems to be a huge year for Dubstep, finally gaining much more popularity and many more artists are doing live shows, not just Benga, Vaski, Borgore, Skream and other major Dubstep artists. There has been so much creativity lately with completely original styles being released as well as some very popular classics being remixed into Dubstep and Gorestep music. It seems Europe is still dominating in the popularity of Dubstep music as they have for years now but the United States and Canada is picking up very fast, within the next year or two it should be well known. Artists such as Skream and Borgore have been in the game for years, actually these guys were some of the originals to begin with Dubstep Music and Gorestep (Gorestep focusing more on the vocals while Dubstep music is focused on the beat). You can find manyDubstep Music Blogs around such as Dubstep Source and even some forums out there dedicated to this purely filth music.
While the earliest Dubstep music started out in Europe in 1999, this was just experimental and was just beginning to be tapped into. It was focused on 2 step drum and bass and elements of breakbeat. Then in 2001 it began to go around many night clubs in Europe and by 2002 this genre of music was finally given it’s name, Dubstep. BBC Radio 1 was one of the first to start publicly playing the music as early as 2003, then late 2005 and beginning of 2006 it was finally spread throughout Europe and some other parts of the world. In 2006, BBC Radio 1′s Mary Anne Hobbs had a show devoted to this genre of music entitled “Dubstep Warz”. 2008 is the year Gorestep and Dubstep finally went somewhat viral in the United States and it’s only been more and more popular from there. Some major artists today include Skream which remixed the popular “In for the kill” by La Roux. Benga, which released a song titled ‘Night’ in 2007 and still seems to be very popular on the dance floors of the UK and ranking top five. Benga also had his song ‘E Trips’ sampled into the Hip Hop artist Eve with her song ‘Me N My’ of her album, Flirt. Dubstep Music has been around for over 10 years now and will only get bigger, hopefully getting some local play on the radio not just in the UK but in the US as well.
You can check out Dubstep Source to hear Dubstep Music as well as subscribe to ourMusic Feed to get updates whenever new music is released.
This article is written by Dubstep Source and focuses on the birth, growth and world wide popularity of Dubstep Music. Plus discussions on the originators of Dubstep such as Benga, Skream and Borgore.
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This website serves as a personal blog with my views covering everything from events in my life to music, movies & various forms of entertainment.
